You have every right to be sad. Your sadness doesn’t diminish your achievements. You can be grateful for your life, your family and friends, your full belly and your comforting bed. Still, nobody has the right to despise your feelings. Nobody has the right to call you ungrateful, if you struggle and they don’t understand. Chances are they’re the source of your distress. If you’re an introvert, self-conscious person, you could be easily bothered by insensitivity. Usually you’ll find it in you’re home and family. As I keep reminding “If I cut you off, chances are you gave me the scissors”, we don’t have to keep others bad behaviour going, for fear. We should risk some losses. We should have the respect we deserve. Kind and patient people often are treated as crazy as soon as they raise their head and voices. But let the show begin!
As an introvert and selfconscius person, I don’t like gyms. I want to workout without the need to exchange pleasantries. So, I workout at home. Every day. It’s true, it works for me. I’ve never felt better in my whole life. I cut my food and chose only the healthy one, but things I enjoyed and worked out every day. First 15 min. on the spinning bike, then 20…, ’till I managed an hour. That’s good for me, because i have some old issues with my knees. When I achieved my healthy weight, I kept focusing on working out and finding happiness in it. When you zone out, or maybe tune out the world and the problems with it, that’s my choice. I learnt not to jump, big no! for my knees, but bodyweight workout, planks… Oh, yes ! Music and peace. My ultimate crush are kettlebells. They are great! They just follow me around the house. Every mundane thing I have to do, I can pick my kettlebell and swing, snatch, give it a go. Rest. I feel powerful and my body, imperfect as it is, never felt better. Because the strength I physically have now, remind me that I am strong inside as well. I just have to swing it. Kettlebells are perfect for the introvert, they don’t take much space and they silently follow you arund. You’ll have all, ALL your body in shape, with fun movements and is nobody business. You can workout when nobody’s watching. Every moment is the right moment. I’m a fighter and a loser, but I’ll kettlebell it ’till the end.
You don’t get me, I don’t care. Times are changing, they always are. It’s the life secret. Time is in your mind. What’s true is what you believe to be. I believe in a greater realness. One that defies human selfish needs. Everything breathes and moves in its own pace. The rock changes, thanks to the wind, water and what goes around it. So, I believe in the key that makes things different. I love biographies, I need to understand the reactions to life events. Why that person thrived, while others surrendered. That’s the uniqueness in us. The way we cope with these lemons that life keep throwing at us. I’d like to throw them back. See what happens. See if Someone get upset or amused.
Wake up before the sun rise, before your early set alarm clock bells.
Brush your feet so softly against the floor. Breath not to awake. Close the kitchen door. Grab your moka pot and fill it with coffee and mmmm it smells so good…
Sit to enjoy better. Jam, bread, coffee, spoons of nut cream. Pleasure in silence. The TV is breaking the world news and it’s heartbreaking. Always. Greedy bastards will be greeder and we’ll let them be. People are dying calling for help. While we crush under our own little hells.
INFJ is me. Could seem silly or meaningless, for me is freedom to be ME and understanding. Finally. Somewhere, someone saw me. That’s the feeling. Every aspect of this personality profile is me. Is me calling for understanding and acceptance. Now I know that I’m real. It’s crazy, but so empowering. I’ve been struggling all my life to hold my tongue, not to hurt someone; to divert my eyes, because sometimes I know I have a killing gaze a judging one; to be friendly when I needed so bad to shut in… I had to speak when I was feeling overwhelmed, to shut up when I needed to express myself.. So I learnt to literally walk silently, breathe with no noise and try to simply disappear whenever I felt annoying. So, I’m 40. I struggle. I mix well with other people and my friends want me to go out, but I can’t. I do want when I feel like it. If I’m stressed it’s so hard. I need my me time. No one in my life understand it. I’m not depressed, but I go close to depression if I can’t have time to regroup and accept all those feelings, other’s feelings. I gave myself to my family as I chose to do. I don’t bring money, I take care. I lost a lot, I grieve every day. My husband only knows how much I hurt. Maybe I can tell him because he doesn’t absorb it. He’s not the sensitive tipe. I’ve been badly mistreated as a kid. I had nightmares because of that. So, I wanted to give my all, all my broken self, to my chosen family. Now, my first son, next to 18, calls me a crazy, stupid person who is not useful because she doesn’t bring money and does not do enough in the house( we’re 4 and I’m the only one doing all the housework). It’s now years he pushes me. My other son is more sensitive and serene. He avoids arguments and his brother, but now I see he can keep his ground and takes no bullshit. I tried to talk, when things are calm, because arguments, and these angry ones are nightmares for me. I see my son’s bullshit. I know he’s self centered and wants only to grab. It’s sad, but true. I’m really useless to him, in his reasoning. He thinks what I do is easily covered. He hates that I see through him. So, I thought I was the problem. But I’m not the only parent and I understood that he’s crushing my personality. Finding the written words that design my inner self (is there other self to be?) has been the key. After all the tears I already feel stronger, because I have the right to be me. I don’t have to apologize for who I am. I never disrespect anyone, I always give time and space. I’m always ready to comfort. So, why should I change to be loved? Another thing I’d like to learn about other introverts as I am is : how many times the people you loved and who mistreated you, come back looking for you? Always! When I have enough I had enough. For real. I don’t forget, I firgive. But I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I don’t feel moved by your apologies, I feel betrayed. The betrayal is in breaking my trust with your selfish lies and you stepping on my heart, thinking I was too stupid beacause I wasn’t fighting back. But I was fighting all right, to keep everything together. So, this is me. Don’t come back, try to stay instead.
Lost in the rhythm I found myself. I had to disconnect from every word, chat, expression.. turn the light off, no mobile, no greetings. I can’t stand the bullshit of saying the same empty nice things today. Because today I’m off. From you, from me and everything in between. If you don’t care enough, I don’t give a damn. My silent rebellion is this. You wouldn’t even know! Today I really don’t care. You’re worth the rock under the sun. The one with the dog shit all over. So, have a nice sunday you all!
I read Bobby Green by Amy Lane and I realized the stupor again that got me from knowing these guys and their world. This is real life, where kindness and fear dance together; where the hurting and the wrongdoing comes from fragility and not the big Evil. You learn that love can mend and it’s worth the pain. Because building and mending is difficult and so hard! It’s worth finding yourself and the right to let someone love you back. Bobby is so young, confident and giving; Reg is a big walking heart, trying to keep a big as a house havy promise and not fallin underneath its weight. Johnnies are good porn workers guys, they’re family. It’s so good that a real mum at heart is joining them!
Amy Lane has the ability of building people alive and I so love to have forever impressed them in my heart. The King of fear and thriller has this most special power. I know who the Queen is.