We’re lost, we’re distant. We talk of nothings and life, we fight the beast of changes and daily rewind. Always a struggle, always behind. I need so much, you won’t try. I know, you know. We’ll keep on pretending is fine. If you want me, you’ve got to seduce me. You won’t even try. Bored I can deal with: it’s fine. I need no problems (no more), but please, I’m burning inside! you’re freezing my heart, flesh and soul. Such a crime!
I crave a tight embrace as much as I hate it. It’s so powerful it should mean good feelings. It’s a “welcome home”. It’s “I’ve got your back”. It’s “I feel for you”. It’s “I’ll make it better”. It should never be forced. It’s not righting wrongs. I’m a special place myself as you are. Let’s celebrate with big hugs that are good for the heart. Otherwise, step back. And keep your mask.
Don’t you worry. When you’ll face the harsh and tough, I’ll be there. When you fight with your fears, scared to your bones, your hand in mine. I’ll be there to dry your tears and make you smile. I’ll hold you tight when you’re cold inside. I see your scars and the healing you had to survive. I’ll be there when you’ll be losing faith. I’ll show you the bright colors you put in my eyes. I’ll be there to love you, body and soul. May the world be blind to our struggles, I’ll be there because you’re mine.
I held you in my dreams. This is the day my heart broke while yours was silent. Nobody wants to remember, nobody understands how important it would be. You were real. My heart will beat for you until my last breath.
There’s no fairness to receive back, no gratitude granted. It’s a choice to be true to yourself and maybe losing everything else. I trust No One. I just breathe, then I remember: I’m alive and deserve to be. Doesn’t matter if I’m truly seen, loved and respected. No matter what, I deserve this little place in this Time and Earth. I have to believe.
I need to stand up for myself. To be my own man, or woman in this case. I can adapt all right, can take all these little lies, as you picture them. I can be underestimated all my life. Be a tool for my own family. I’ll keep on living in my mind and keep my true self to me. When someone is ignoring me while I’m talking, I stop. I already know what’s on my mind and I don’t need to here it expressed in my voice out loud. I care about my body, I take care of it and I’ll let it untouched as much as I can if I’m not going to be treated with the care and time and feeling I deserve. You moron. You’re undeserving of my love.
Nothing hurts like the cuts you keep letting your loved ones inflict on you. It’s the betrayal of your affection, of your caring. It’s the burning humiliation. There are links you can’t break. There are crosses you bear willingly. Silently hiding in yourself, needing relief. Calling for everything to stop just for a second. Just to forget yourself, the place you live in, your life, every choice you made. Every person who broke you. Piece by piece. The moment you feel yourself floating with your favorite music, reaching for the sky. Just a second to leave all the ugliness behind. Give me just that second to forget.
Turning in circles around my head, I thought you were cheating, in some or either way…
I know it’s my business this need to clarify. My constant search for real in a different kind of light.
Real is my heart and my look into your eyes. Forgive me ’cause it’s cursed, my heart my love and Life.
Bittersweet smooth velvety glass,
so good to suck,
it’s melting your tongue.
Fine dark pleasure…
It’s chocolate babe
and my mouth is so
so guilty (oh) I’m weeping.
INFJ is me. Could seem silly or meaningless, for me is freedom to be ME and understanding. Finally. Somewhere, someone saw me. That’s the feeling. Every aspect of this personality profile is me. Is me calling for understanding and acceptance. Now I know that I’m real. It’s crazy, but so empowering. I’ve been struggling all my life to hold my tongue, not to hurt someone; to divert my eyes, because sometimes I know I have a killing gaze a judging one; to be friendly when I needed so bad to shut in… I had to speak when I was feeling overwhelmed, to shut up when I needed to express myself.. So I learnt to literally walk silently, breathe with no noise and try to simply disappear whenever I felt annoying. So, I’m 40. I struggle. I mix well with other people and my friends want me to go out, but I can’t. I do want when I feel like it. If I’m stressed it’s so hard. I need my me time. No one in my life understand it. I’m not depressed, but I go close to depression if I can’t have time to regroup and accept all those feelings, other’s feelings. I gave myself to my family as I chose to do. I don’t bring money, I take care. I lost a lot, I grieve every day. My husband only knows how much I hurt. Maybe I can tell him because he doesn’t absorb it. He’s not the sensitive tipe. I’ve been badly mistreated as a kid. I had nightmares because of that. So, I wanted to give my all, all my broken self, to my chosen family. Now, my first son, next to 18, calls me a crazy, stupid person who is not useful because she doesn’t bring money and does not do enough in the house( we’re 4 and I’m the only one doing all the housework). It’s now years he pushes me. My other son is more sensitive and serene. He avoids arguments and his brother, but now I see he can keep his ground and takes no bullshit. I tried to talk, when things are calm, because arguments, and these angry ones are nightmares for me. I see my son’s bullshit. I know he’s self centered and wants only to grab. It’s sad, but true. I’m really useless to him, in his reasoning. He thinks what I do is easily covered. He hates that I see through him. So, I thought I was the problem. But I’m not the only parent and I understood that he’s crushing my personality. Finding the written words that design my inner self (is there other self to be?) has been the key. After all the tears I already feel stronger, because I have the right to be me. I don’t have to apologize for who I am. I never disrespect anyone, I always give time and space. I’m always ready to comfort. So, why should I change to be loved? Another thing I’d like to learn about other introverts as I am is : how many times the people you loved and who mistreated you, come back looking for you? Always! When I have enough I had enough. For real. I don’t forget, I firgive. But I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I don’t feel moved by your apologies, I feel betrayed. The betrayal is in breaking my trust with your selfish lies and you stepping on my heart, thinking I was too stupid beacause I wasn’t fighting back. But I was fighting all right, to keep everything together. So, this is me. Don’t come back, try to stay instead.