INFJ my introvert smiling self

INFJ is me. Could seem silly or meaningless, for me is freedom to be ME and understanding. Finally. Somewhere, someone saw me. That’s the feeling. Every aspect of this personality profile is me. Is me calling for understanding and acceptance. Now I know that I’m real. It’s crazy, but so empowering. I’ve been struggling all my life to hold my tongue, not to hurt someone; to divert my eyes, because sometimes I know I have a killing gaze a judging one; to be friendly when I needed so bad to shut in… I had to speak when I was feeling overwhelmed, to shut up when I needed to express myself.. So I learnt to literally walk silently, breathe with no noise and try to simply disappear whenever I felt annoying. So, I’m 40. I struggle. I mix well with other people and my friends want me to go out, but I can’t. I do want when I feel like it. If I’m stressed it’s so hard. I need my me time. No one in my life understand it. I’m not depressed, but I go close to depression if I can’t have time to regroup and accept all those feelings, other’s feelings. I gave myself to my family as I chose to do. I don’t bring money, I take care. I lost a lot, I grieve every day. My husband only knows how much I hurt. Maybe I can tell him because he doesn’t absorb it. He’s not the sensitive tipe. I’ve been badly mistreated as a kid. I had nightmares because of that. So, I wanted to give my all, all my broken self, to my chosen family. Now, my first son, next to 18, calls me a crazy, stupid person who is not useful because she doesn’t bring money and does not do enough in the house( we’re 4 and I’m the only one doing all the housework). It’s now years he pushes me. My other son is more sensitive and serene. He avoids arguments and his brother, but now I see he can keep his ground and takes no bullshit. I tried to talk, when things are calm, because arguments, and these angry ones are nightmares for me. I see my son’s bullshit. I know he’s self centered and wants only to grab. It’s sad, but true. I’m really useless to him, in his reasoning. He thinks what I do is easily covered. He hates that I see through him. So, I thought I was the problem. But I’m not the only parent and I understood that he’s crushing my personality. Finding the written words that design my inner self (is there other self to be?) has been the key. After all the tears I already feel stronger, because I have the right to be me. I don’t have to apologize for who I am. I never disrespect anyone, I always give time and space. I’m always ready to comfort. So, why should I change to be loved? Another thing I’d like to learn about other introverts as I am is : how many times the people you loved and who mistreated you, come back looking for you? Always! When I have enough I had enough. For real. I don’t forget, I firgive. But I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I don’t feel moved by your apologies, I feel betrayed. The betrayal is in breaking my trust with your selfish lies and you stepping on my heart, thinking I was too stupid beacause I wasn’t fighting back. But I was fighting all right, to keep everything together. So, this is me. Don’t come back, try to stay instead.

The guy from nowhere

There was a little place, so little you could see the end of it by the corner of the street. There was a family in the village, so hungry for a better living,but miserably alone.

One day  a guy  came in the little place, looking for something new. The family was delighted, they coud use some good company. The guy became part of it, always keen to get down to work, always smiling at the others, always there. Everything was perfect, nobody to break their happiness. Everyone was working hard and helping each other to get the most of it. Time went by, parents grew old, the children grew up, but the guy never changed, he alway seemed the same guy who came in, years ago. The daughter looked at him in a different way, the guy was shy at first, he was always kind and smiling, but felt awkward about these new feelings. Day by day they came closer, no one noticed that, but a smile back above the other heads, a hand softly touching a hand, an eye looking for an other eye, their feeling grew bigger. One day, after dinner, the guy stepped outside, staring at the dark sky, looking for a star. He felt cold, but stood and started a whispered prayer. In a moment he felt embraced, so warm and soft and tight. He opened his eyes and found himself  entrapped in her arms. Tears came down his cold cheeks, he took her hands and kissed them so grateful for the present. She went in front of him to gaze at him and as the nature teaches, she learnt to kiss.

Every beautiful flower loses his petals someday, so their love became the start of the end. The old parents rejected the guy with no age, he was no use anymore, he couldn’t take their girl away.

When the night came back to earth, the guy took the girl with him by hand, the family was screaming loud. Her mother crying, her father swearing, the brothers astonished could not understand, they never felt for someone.

The two of them did not hear, did not see, he opened his wings and held her tight. They flew away and never come back.