When did we loose the ability to empathize? Somewhere, along the line, we understood that freedom of speech meant we’re entitled to be our best judgemental assholes selves. That has to change. You don’t right a wrong with nastiness. Self-centerd people are always ready to point fingers. It’s sickening the way we trait each other. We all speak from a podium of ignorance, pretending understanding for ourselves. Giving back nothing ’cause we always have bigger issues to solve. Kindness comes from the best place. Filtered words are not lies, it’s a considerate way to not hurt others feelings. Always the truth, always compassion and a gentle heart.
Is there a no bullshit day out there? There’s a day for impressive tributes, to never forget how we failed, to celebrate silly things and so on. I myself would love a free bullshit day. I need it. As a sensitive person, as a “I’m ok with no being perfect, but not with you pretending to be one” person. A day where people like me can thrive and take pleasure walking around and meeting people. Until then, don’t call me, I’ll call you later. Just wait.
It surrounds me, I’m at its mercy.
Just don’t stop, don’t you ever stop it …
tump tututump tump pup tutump…
Let it rise my spirit and crawl inside;
it’s running through my veins
so right its rhyme, the rhythm just fine…
I’m climbing mountains and heights:
just keep going stamping on my heart
let it beat faster and soar through the skys.
INFJ is me. Could seem silly or meaningless, for me is freedom to be ME and understanding. Finally. Somewhere, someone saw me. That’s the feeling. Every aspect of this personality profile is me. Is me calling for understanding and acceptance. Now I know that I’m real. It’s crazy, but so empowering. I’ve been struggling all my life to hold my tongue, not to hurt someone; to divert my eyes, because sometimes I know I have a killing gaze a judging one; to be friendly when I needed so bad to shut in… I had to speak when I was feeling overwhelmed, to shut up when I needed to express myself.. So I learnt to literally walk silently, breathe with no noise and try to simply disappear whenever I felt annoying. So, I’m 40. I struggle. I mix well with other people and my friends want me to go out, but I can’t. I do want when I feel like it. If I’m stressed it’s so hard. I need my me time. No one in my life understand it. I’m not depressed, but I go close to depression if I can’t have time to regroup and accept all those feelings, other’s feelings. I gave myself to my family as I chose to do. I don’t bring money, I take care. I lost a lot, I grieve every day. My husband only knows how much I hurt. Maybe I can tell him because he doesn’t absorb it. He’s not the sensitive tipe. I’ve been badly mistreated as a kid. I had nightmares because of that. So, I wanted to give my all, all my broken self, to my chosen family. Now, my first son, next to 18, calls me a crazy, stupid person who is not useful because she doesn’t bring money and does not do enough in the house( we’re 4 and I’m the only one doing all the housework). It’s now years he pushes me. My other son is more sensitive and serene. He avoids arguments and his brother, but now I see he can keep his ground and takes no bullshit. I tried to talk, when things are calm, because arguments, and these angry ones are nightmares for me. I see my son’s bullshit. I know he’s self centered and wants only to grab. It’s sad, but true. I’m really useless to him, in his reasoning. He thinks what I do is easily covered. He hates that I see through him. So, I thought I was the problem. But I’m not the only parent and I understood that he’s crushing my personality. Finding the written words that design my inner self (is there other self to be?) has been the key. After all the tears I already feel stronger, because I have the right to be me. I don’t have to apologize for who I am. I never disrespect anyone, I always give time and space. I’m always ready to comfort. So, why should I change to be loved? Another thing I’d like to learn about other introverts as I am is : how many times the people you loved and who mistreated you, come back looking for you? Always! When I have enough I had enough. For real. I don’t forget, I firgive. But I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I don’t feel moved by your apologies, I feel betrayed. The betrayal is in breaking my trust with your selfish lies and you stepping on my heart, thinking I was too stupid beacause I wasn’t fighting back. But I was fighting all right, to keep everything together. So, this is me. Don’t come back, try to stay instead.
Never ever live in silence.
Everybody can hurt you when you’re silent.
Scream out loud, let your life be an eternal cry.
Let everybody know your alive, moving in the time-line.
I hold you tight ’cause I can see your light,
you’re so beautiful I can’t express..
my feelings in your hand.
ssssssssssssssht, nature is singing..
listen better those craving chirps
Birds are taking their space,
in every possible corner,
the sparrow and the swallow
the bumptious pigeon over all.
I feel the fresh air
as a relief for all the heat,
it makes me wish for better,
good days, good relations,
Love for all today,
just for today.
laughs and caresses.
There’s a place where I used to be
it gave me much more than I keep
there’s this place where I long to be
it takes a life to set me free
and I’ll never be a part
of this secret I don’t catch
so, I take my feet and run
for a place I care, in my heart.
painting by T. C. Chiu
Memories are in the box,
thrown in the shadows.
I don’t want them,
I don’t need them.
I’m looking forward
to find me again.
I just need the bridge
a wooden one.
This island of myself
It’s hard to play cheerful
as I am, but not really.
I love emotions,
fire and wind,
the boredom is a fog
covering my leaves.
I try to protect
what I keep inside,
not letting my life
to drawn my feelings.
So, I keep on going,
day by day,
smiling and mumbling
never the core to be shown.
Eddie Vedder Society song
I have no more words to say,
only tears that drop
down on my face,
’cause this feeling
is of a lost
’cause we’ve lost everything,
not having freedom anymore.
We live longer,
on this pc
on this plastic thing
and we dream
so, what to say more?
Christopher McCandless rest in peace.
I have to spend some words about this blog, I’m worried someone could think I take myself too seriously, or much easier: I’m out of mind.
I’m probably out of mind, but I’m really quite self conscious to know I’m not an artist of any sort or level.
I have ideas, I have thoughts.
I love to have a place where I can put all of it down.
I’m 33, it’s a long time I’m not playing anymore, so, this place is a sort of my kindergarten.
This doesn’t mean I’m a sort of clown, I really feel what I write and the decision I made to use my voice in a poem I wrote it’s only because it’s born this way.
I really don’t think I’m able to sing or anything like that, it’s a share, with a high risk to be pathetic (my thought as well).
I’m not writing all this stuff because of someone words, you’re really too kind to say that, but it’s what I probably had thought myself.
I really long to see some of you find his/her way, because there are great projects in some blog of yours, I’m pretty sure about that.
So, I’m not taking myself too seriously, especially ’cause I’m ignorant, this is not my language and I have no qualification. Great, isn’t it? Or, as some of my country people living abroad say :”In it?” O-O ?
Bye Bye crocodiles
See you later alligators!