No BS Day

Is there a no bullshit day out there? There’s a day for impressive tributes, to never forget how we failed, to celebrate silly things and so on. I myself would love a free bullshit day. I need it. As a sensitive person, as a “I’m ok with no being perfect, but not with you pretending to be one” person. A day where people like me can thrive and take pleasure walking around and meeting people. Until then, don’t call me, I’ll call you later. Just wait.

Music (soul song)

It surrounds me, I’m at its mercy.
Just don’t stop, don’t you ever stop it …
tump tututump tump pup tutump…

Let it rise my spirit and crawl inside;
it’s running through my veins
so right its rhyme, the rhythm just fine…

I’m climbing mountains and heights:
just keep going stamping on my heart
let it beat faster and soar through the skys.

INFJ my introvert smiling self

INFJ is me. Could seem silly or meaningless, for me is freedom to be ME and understanding. Finally. Somewhere, someone saw me. That’s the feeling. Every aspect of this personality profile is me. Is me calling for understanding and acceptance. Now I know that I’m real. It’s crazy, but so empowering. I’ve been struggling all my life to hold my tongue, not to hurt someone; to divert my eyes, because sometimes I know I have a killing gaze a judging one; to be friendly when I needed so bad to shut in… I had to speak when I was feeling overwhelmed, to shut up when I needed to express myself.. So I learnt to literally walk silently, breathe with no noise and try to simply disappear whenever I felt annoying. So, I’m 40. I struggle. I mix well with other people and my friends want me to go out, but I can’t. I do want when I feel like it. If I’m stressed it’s so hard. I need my me time. No one in my life understand it. I’m not depressed, but I go close to depression if I can’t have time to regroup and accept all those feelings, other’s feelings. I gave myself to my family as I chose to do. I don’t bring money, I take care. I lost a lot, I grieve every day. My husband only knows how much I hurt. Maybe I can tell him because he doesn’t absorb it. He’s not the sensitive tipe. I’ve been badly mistreated as a kid. I had nightmares because of that. So, I wanted to give my all, all my broken self, to my chosen family. Now, my first son, next to 18, calls me a crazy, stupid person who is not useful because she doesn’t bring money and does not do enough in the house( we’re 4 and I’m the only one doing all the housework). It’s now years he pushes me. My other son is more sensitive and serene. He avoids arguments and his brother, but now I see he can keep his ground and takes no bullshit. I tried to talk, when things are calm, because arguments, and these angry ones are nightmares for me. I see my son’s bullshit. I know he’s self centered and wants only to grab. It’s sad, but true. I’m really useless to him, in his reasoning. He thinks what I do is easily covered. He hates that I see through him. So, I thought I was the problem. But I’m not the only parent and I understood that he’s crushing my personality. Finding the written words that design my inner self (is there other self to be?) has been the key. After all the tears I already feel stronger, because I have the right to be me. I don’t have to apologize for who I am. I never disrespect anyone, I always give time and space. I’m always ready to comfort. So, why should I change to be loved? Another thing I’d like to learn about other introverts as I am is : how many times the people you loved and who mistreated you, come back looking for you? Always! When I have enough I had enough. For real. I don’t forget, I firgive. But I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I don’t feel moved by your apologies, I feel betrayed. The betrayal is in breaking my trust with your selfish lies and you stepping on my heart, thinking I was too stupid beacause I wasn’t fighting back. But I was fighting all right, to keep everything together. So, this is me. Don’t come back, try to stay instead.

Silence killer

Never ever live in silence.
Everybody can hurt you when you’re silent.
Scream out loud, let your life be an eternal cry.
Let everybody know your alive, moving in the time-line.
I hold you tight ’cause I can see your light,
you’re so beautiful I can’t express..
my feelings in your hand.

New morning, love for the world

ssssssssssssssht, nature is singing..

listen better those craving chirps

Birds are taking their space,

in every possible corner,

the sparrow and the swallow

the bumptious pigeon over all.

I feel the fresh air

as a relief for all the heat,

it makes me wish for better,

good days, good relations,

Love for all today,

just for today.

laughs and caresses.

There’s a place I long for

There’s a place where I used to be

it gave me much more than I keep

there’s this place where I long to be

it takes a life to set me free

and I’ll never be a part

of this secret I don’t catch

so, I take my feet and run

for a place I care, in my heart.

The core is safe

painting by T. C. Chiu

Memories are in the box,
thrown in the shadows.
I don’t want them,
I don’t need them.

I’m looking forward
to find me again.
I just need the bridge
a wooden one.

This island of myself
nobody knows.
It’s hard to play cheerful
as I am, but not really.

I love emotions,
fire and wind,
the boredom is a fog
covering my leaves.

I try to protect
what I keep inside,
not letting my life
to drawn my feelings.

So, I keep on going,
day by day,
smiling and mumbling
never the core to be shown.