Next time. It will be next time. When I’ll be stronger, better settled. Next time, next life. I’ll be my person, I’ll make my own rules. I’ll be fierce, proud and whole. I’ll count my wins and losses and never I’ll drown. My mind will be my fortress. Next time, next life. I’ll make mistakes to wear and show. I’ll be so good to myself. Next time, next life.
The sun is blinding hot. I stand absorbing its warming embrace. I treasure the rising nature, spring it’s everywhere. No need for human interference. We’re safe inside and the World is coming alive.
There’s no fairness to receive back, no gratitude granted. It’s a choice to be true to yourself and maybe losing everything else. I trust No One. I just breathe, then I remember: I’m alive and deserve to be. Doesn’t matter if I’m truly seen, loved and respected. No matter what, I deserve this little place in this Time and Earth. I have to believe.
You don’t get me, I don’t care. Times are changing, they always are. It’s the life secret. Time is in your mind. What’s true is what you believe to be. I believe in a greater realness. One that defies human selfish needs. Everything breathes and moves in its own pace. The rock changes, thanks to the wind, water and what goes around it. So, I believe in the key that makes things different. I love biographies, I need to understand the reactions to life events. Why that person thrived, while others surrendered. That’s the uniqueness in us. The way we cope with these lemons that life keep throwing at us. I’d like to throw them back. See what happens. See if Someone get upset or amused.
INFJ is me. Could seem silly or meaningless, for me is freedom to be ME and understanding. Finally. Somewhere, someone saw me. That’s the feeling. Every aspect of this personality profile is me. Is me calling for understanding and acceptance. Now I know that I’m real. It’s crazy, but so empowering. I’ve been struggling all my life to hold my tongue, not to hurt someone; to divert my eyes, because sometimes I know I have a killing gaze a judging one; to be friendly when I needed so bad to shut in… I had to speak when I was feeling overwhelmed, to shut up when I needed to express myself.. So I learnt to literally walk silently, breathe with no noise and try to simply disappear whenever I felt annoying. So, I’m 40. I struggle. I mix well with other people and my friends want me to go out, but I can’t. I do want when I feel like it. If I’m stressed it’s so hard. I need my me time. No one in my life understand it. I’m not depressed, but I go close to depression if I can’t have time to regroup and accept all those feelings, other’s feelings. I gave myself to my family as I chose to do. I don’t bring money, I take care. I lost a lot, I grieve every day. My husband only knows how much I hurt. Maybe I can tell him because he doesn’t absorb it. He’s not the sensitive tipe. I’ve been badly mistreated as a kid. I had nightmares because of that. So, I wanted to give my all, all my broken self, to my chosen family. Now, my first son, next to 18, calls me a crazy, stupid person who is not useful because she doesn’t bring money and does not do enough in the house( we’re 4 and I’m the only one doing all the housework). It’s now years he pushes me. My other son is more sensitive and serene. He avoids arguments and his brother, but now I see he can keep his ground and takes no bullshit. I tried to talk, when things are calm, because arguments, and these angry ones are nightmares for me. I see my son’s bullshit. I know he’s self centered and wants only to grab. It’s sad, but true. I’m really useless to him, in his reasoning. He thinks what I do is easily covered. He hates that I see through him. So, I thought I was the problem. But I’m not the only parent and I understood that he’s crushing my personality. Finding the written words that design my inner self (is there other self to be?) has been the key. After all the tears I already feel stronger, because I have the right to be me. I don’t have to apologize for who I am. I never disrespect anyone, I always give time and space. I’m always ready to comfort. So, why should I change to be loved? Another thing I’d like to learn about other introverts as I am is : how many times the people you loved and who mistreated you, come back looking for you? Always! When I have enough I had enough. For real. I don’t forget, I firgive. But I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I don’t feel moved by your apologies, I feel betrayed. The betrayal is in breaking my trust with your selfish lies and you stepping on my heart, thinking I was too stupid beacause I wasn’t fighting back. But I was fighting all right, to keep everything together. So, this is me. Don’t come back, try to stay instead.
The jungle inside is bursting to life,
scraping new critters so wild,
carving their features in my mind.
I’m just trying to memorize,
their colors are so bright,
I’m helplessly hypnotized.
I just wanted to know
how nice it could be
to be able to grow
in my own truly me.
Living everyday ordinary life for that moment, that single perfect moment of happiness, of big great emotion that pump the universe in your heart and give you the strenght to keep living the rest of it.
I know what I feel,
I’m not sure about who I am,
’cause I’ll need a life
to meet myself.
I’m waiting for the day.
Just wishing not
to be disappointed
my eyes fall down to my hands and I consider how the time goes by.
it’s a habit I did not notice.
I stare at my hands like a baby, so I think the world starts from there.
I thank, I thank so much all I’ve done with my hands. Mine.